07:53 - 
1 comment
1 comment
I Could Bare No More
I Could Bare No More
As long as I could remember, I dreamed of having a large family. Six was the magic number for me. A perfect even number of children, so that not one child would ever be left out. I planned to have them close together, so that they would be each other’s most important best friend. As a youth, I was taught that happiness came from having children, so I believed that having lots of children was key to my own happiness. I knew what I wanted, and I was going to do all that I could to get it. Shortly after I started dating the man that would become my husband, I knew he was the one for me, because he wanted lots of children too. Two months into our marriage, I found out that our family was about to start. I was overjoyed with the prospect of having children.
Having our first child was much harder than I thought it would be, but we were still convinced that we would have a large family. Our first son Donald brought us joy, but also tested us in ways that were unimagined. After three years of adjusting to parenthood, we had our second child: a daughter named Taylor. Two years later we had Daniel, our second son. It was after he was born that our lives were changed in unexpected ways.
While I was pregnant with Daniel, a mass was discovered on my right ovary. It was large, and appeared to be growing. I was told that the mass was normal, and would probably dissolve after delivery, so I tried to forget about it. After Daniel was born, I got an ultrasound to check the status of the mass. Not only was it still there, but another one was growing on my left ovary. My heart started to race as I thought about what could happen to me. While attempting to remove the mass surgically, the doctor discovered suspicious cells. At this point, panic took over me. I never thought it was possible that I would ever have cancer, yet here I was waiting for the results of a biopsy. The possibility of my large family was fading from my grasp. If the results came back positive for cancer, the best course of action would be to receive a full hysterectomy. While I would be cured of cancer, my ability to have children would be gone. How could I be happy if I could no longer have children?
Two weeks after my first surgery, the result of the biopsy came in. I was called into my doctor’s office for the results, so I was convinced the news was bad. I had found ways to distract myself the past two weeks, and I was even happy. What if the bad news took that happiness away from me? While driving to my appointment, I remember praying for joy no matter the results. The look of sadness and empathy on my doctor’s face, confirmed my suspicion. I had cancer. I immediately burst into tears, and I called my husband Doug to tell him the terrible news. Gone were my hopes of a large family. Yet, I was determined not to be miserable. Somehow I managed to drive myself the forty-five minutes to get home. Doug and I took our children to the park, and continued on with our day like nothing was wrong.
With-in the next few months my next surgery was set. Even though I was determined to be happy, finding that happiness was hard. I was worried and sad all the time. I decided to give myself over to the Lord completely. By doing so, I was able to find the peace I was searching for. It didn’t matter what happened to me anymore, because I had faith that Heavenly Father knew what I needed to be happy. I threw myself into the rearing of the children I already had. Three was a good number, even if I couldn’t have the six children I was hoping for. Those months waiting for surgery were filled with joy beyond comparison.
After I recovered from my hysterectomy, I struggled again with finding happiness. The fact that I could no longer have children really hit me, especially since many of my friends were having more themselves. I struggled with feelings of resentment and jealousy. I felt incomplete and broken. A part of me was taken, and I could never get it back. I desperately wanted to find happiness again. My mother-in-law saw my struggles, and knew what I needed. Our community put together a musical rendition of “The Garden,” which tells the tale of the Atonement of Jesus Christ through the perspective of the Garden of Gethsemane. In the garden was a barren olive tree. Her song was for me. I felt her pain for it was my own. Then the Savior was crucified, and resurrected, and the olive tree bore fruit. That is where I found my peace and joy. Just like the olive tree, I will once again be whole. More children will come from me once my body is resurrected. The atonement of Jesus Christ became personal to me that day. Because of Him, I will be whole again one day.
Many years have passed since that day, yet I still feel the same sweet joy. I cannot have any more children. That has not changed. I have many friends who are still having children, yet those feelings of resentment and jealousy do not come. I can rejoice with my friends as their families grow, because of my knowledge of the resurrection. I can find joy in my little family, because I know that we will be together forever. Even though cancer has changed my life, I am happy. The kind of happiness that can only come from a loving Savior who paved the way, who conquered death so that all mankind can live forever. I learned that no matter my circumstance, I can be happy.
After I recovered from my hysterectomy, I struggled again with finding happiness. The fact that I could no longer have children really hit me, especially since many of my friends were having more themselves. I struggled with feelings of resentment and jealousy. I felt incomplete and broken. A part of me was taken, and I could never get it back. I desperately wanted to find happiness again. My mother-in-law saw my struggles, and knew what I needed. Our community put together a musical rendition of “The Garden,” which tells the tale of the Atonement of Jesus Christ through the perspective of the Garden of Gethsemane. In the garden was a barren olive tree. Her song was for me. I felt her pain for it was my own. Then the Savior was crucified, and resurrected, and the olive tree bore fruit. That is where I found my peace and joy. Just like the olive tree, I will once again be whole. More children will come from me once my body is resurrected. The atonement of Jesus Christ became personal to me that day. Because of Him, I will be whole again one day.
Many years have passed since that day, yet I still feel the same sweet joy. I cannot have any more children. That has not changed. I have many friends who are still having children, yet those feelings of resentment and jealousy do not come. I can rejoice with my friends as their families grow, because of my knowledge of the resurrection. I can find joy in my little family, because I know that we will be together forever. Even though cancer has changed my life, I am happy. The kind of happiness that can only come from a loving Savior who paved the way, who conquered death so that all mankind can live forever. I learned that no matter my circumstance, I can be happy.
1 comments:
You and your family are amazing, Heather!!
Post a Comment